Wait, is that a light? Is the tunnel ending?

Almost 57 days in quarantine and there seems to be a some hope here, they announced the end of lock down just 9 days short of the 2 months' mark. Stores will finally open, caution is still necessary but that's a required measure so no problem with that... only problem is hotel's are not expected to open before June.

Why is that important?

Well, as long as they remain closed, although it is a safety measure to avoid a second outbreak of that damn virus, there is no hint of income in the horizon for many of us. Speaking of hotels, something I consider to be weird happened today. I got a bunch of notifications from recruiters on LinkedIn, an app I rarely use and don't really gt notifications from.

On top of that I got a message for an interview from one of those recruiters. Thankfully I could read it from the notification preview without opening it so this gives me some time to think about how to proceed with it. I have already booked a job for the summer season but with all this uncertainty going around it wouldn't hurt to expand my "network" of connections a little bit... I have no idea what to do with that interview request though and I don't think half a day or even one full day is enough for me to decide what to do. After all it's important.

Anyways, that's all I had to get off my chest for now. If anyone actually reads these posts, I don't bite, leave a comment, I could really use a second opinion on some of the things I post.

Stay safe~!

Random or not random? Rant-om maybe!

Quarantine log. Day 38.

So... where do I begin? A lot of sh*t has gone down since my last post but mainly in the last couple of days.

Quarantine is staring to get to me, that's for sure. After the first few days during which I did try to hang out with the rest of the family in order not to go crazy it became evident to me that I was just making it harder for myself to remain sane so I locked myself in the half finished top flour apartment. Half finished because there's no kitchen mainly and because there are a couple of more things that need to be taken care of. Goof think I invested part of my very last paycheck (back in November) to get some furniture and paint the walls. On hind sight I am slightly regretting that because right now I am almost completely penniless with a very uncertain work future in front of me which I'm not sure I want to find out more details about after all, no news is good news.

Important question? Has quarantine affected my sanity at all ever since I begun to avoid my family? Hell yes it has!First of all the past 2 weeks almost I've been sleeping on the couch in the living room when there is a perfectly fine double bed in the bedroom! Secondly, I've started to see plots unfolding everywhere though I have a bitter feeling that this happens mostly because I have detached myself from the events of the first floor (aka the family apartment). And last but not least I managed to get in my head and sabotage my writing. Again. That's the reason I haven't posted anything here in quite some time either.

Changing the subject, remember the last post about playing with fire? Well, fire's out! Random guy would keep flirting, then trying to break the indifference I showed with sharing his personal drama which I had no reason to get myself mixed into especially since I tried to give him a piece of advice when he first asked for it and he rejected it, then he went back to flirting, he became annoying and then he would ghost be for about a week and then start the random flirty messages and then I got tired and after he went back to ghosting I eventually blocked him. I shouldn't have accepted his message request in the first place but anyway...

Speaking of random guys, my ex remembered I exist. Two years after the break up that was a result of his attitude he texted to tell me I was right. No shit Sherlock! Between the two of us I was the one with most experience when it came to job interviews, CVs and job related things in general but no, he wouldn't take my advice, not back then at least. Now he retraced his steps and remembered what I told him apparently.

Circling back to me, I want this to be over with. I've spent 38 days stuck inside and I have almost reached my breaking point. I'm not planning on going out if there isn't a dire reason to do so but enough is enough. I want this quarantine to be over, the hotels to re-open and to finally go back to work 'cause I'm sick and tired or sitting on my a*s the whole day everyday. Enough is enough.

By the way, how are you all holding up? Hope you're safe, healthy and holding on strong.

Come on, drop a comment, don't be shy!

Just kidding, I know no one sees these!

Playing with fire?

It's been a couple of days now that I've slipped back into my old ways, to a certain bad habit I have to be exact. I guess boredom does that to a person.
What is that bad habit? Well, it's nothing too fancy, every now and then I chat up a stranger to see how things would involved in a way, I don't cat fish them or anything, I mean I kind of did that the first time but I was pretty sure that was exactly what the guy was doing too anyway and the story I uses was so far fetched even I had a tough time believing it!
Any ways a guy commented on a comment I left on a certain comedian's live broadcast on facebook and, he seemed like a decent person so I thought "What the hell, let's give it a shot" and we've been chatting the past couple of days and it's so damn evident that he's done it before and he's been burnt.
What I mean by that, well, it's pretty clear that he's started chat sessions with girls and has turned them into perverted one's there's always something lurking in his messages, it was there from the beginning but he's still pretty decent so... I wanna see how long it will take for the act to drop. It has happened every other time and you can tell it's coming.
So, anyways, I don't know why I keep doing this. it's stupid anyway but at the same time there is a certain thrill to it...!

Another day in.... Hell?

Quarantine logbook, Day....

Day...

Day whatever! I lost count.

Eventually we've all fallen in this eternal loop of things repeating themselves day after day, after day, after day.... you get it, right? There's definitely a glitch in the Matrix! Also, who let Pandora open that damn box again?

I'm trying to be creative here as, apparently, the endless well of ideas for my big project has developed a tangle of epic proportions! A bunch of ideas that all fit together but not quite that still tell a story but yet something is not adding up or a piece seems to be missing.

As  I sit here trying to untangle those ideas and possibly make some progress I grasped the opportunity to make a few phone calls. First of all I called the hotel I'm supposed to start working at next month, no news on that front, not before the middle of April at least... Oh well, fingers crossed, I need a major change of scenery as far as work-life is concerned, things had gotten too uncomfortably comfortably at my previous job. The second thing I tried to to was try to get some information from a state agency about the elongated period of unemployment the quarantine caused but apparently all lines are busy the past... long period of time... I'll try again and see how it goes though.

Other than bitching, and making no progress on anything, it's a beautiful day outside and thanks all the windows and balcony doors being open, I might manage to bring a little bit of this day inside. If that makes any sense. The sky is blue, the see is bluer and the birds are singing, pretty optimistic sounding, right?  Right. Let's just hope it's the first of many warm, beautiful days to come and kick this madness away.

Stay awesome everyone!
Until next time! 💪😀😘

The breakthrough!

Spoiler alert! Not much randomness follows!!

A few hours ago I had the biggest realization of the past few years! What I have mistakenly trying not to call a writer's block so I don't make it real, is nothing like that! It's denial!!

Let's clear things up. Some years now I've been working on, what I will call for the purpose of this post, a big project. The thing with said big project is, I haven't been making much project lately, I thought I was dealing with yet another case of my biggest nemesis, writer's block, but today I came to the  realization that the only reason I'm not making any progress is not the lack of ideas or inspiration but simply the fact that this project is nearing an end and I am not ready to part with it. Though, deep down, I know it won't be a goodbye, I have lots of relevant things to work on when it is completed, I am not emotionally ready to let go thus, I'm stalling. Sabotaging myself yet again as I have done enough times in the past to know it's happening. The difference is, this time I'm determined to fight it, I have no distractions and nowhere to "hide" from it thanks to the pandemic quarantine! Who knows, maybe something good will come out of this mess...! 

Till next time!

Fueled by something // Random thoughts

After spending the whole night watching stand up comedy routines on Netflix while miserably failing to make any progress with my latest writing project I came to a realization. I discovered what motivated me to do things.
I frequently say that my  motivation, stubbornness and occasionally my creativity are fueled by my excessive consumption of coffee, sometimes my creativity can be fueled by my anger and occasionally by a glass of wine or a shot of vodka but, what I just realized really fuels me? Spite. That's it. I'm a bitter, bitchy loner of a person. I do things always with an ulterior motive of proving people wrong which I more often than not always end up rubbing into their faces afterwards.
Many things have contributed to this aspect of my existence, some of them were mentioned on my previous post so I won't re-list them, I hate to repeat myself almost as much as I hate small talk, obvious questions like "What are you doing?" when I'm clearly watching TV in example or people who wear excessive amounts of perfume/cologne/or something equally smelly, I mean what's wrong with them? If they think they smell bad, why don't they take a shower instead of emptying a bottle of this shit on themselves?
Anyways, that's all I have to say for now. I'm awake, it's early, I might as well get some things done anyway, I have a 2014 router to try and exchange for a newer model with the phone provider company, a geocache to replace and I'll most likely remember a bunch of other things to do, also I'm seriously thinking about that intermittent(?) fasting thing where you only eat only one meal a day as I'm still trying to lose those 15 extra kilos I managed to get in the 4 months I've not been working so.... yeah, we'll see how this turns out. Off I go~!  

Brain-train Wreck, the person behind the keyboard...

Welcome to my problem world!

Posting long texts online has always been kind of my thing. I never seem to fit in reality and I can more often than not open up to my keyboard than to an actual person, how come? Well, mostly because people always judge, they always come up with "solutions" to your problem without actually hearing you out or taking into consideration that you are your own person and not -especially in the case of family members- an extension of them.
Let's take things from the start, I come from an island in Greece, small place, small town, everyone knows each other and, if you don't know someone they most definitely know you or someone in your family so, they are biased, they already have an opinion about you, good luck trying to change their mind. Having two younger sisters what we all mostly are used to is they everyday chaos and noise of sharing a roof with a bunch of people. Not the scenario I would have picked out if I could actually write my own story from the beginning. Given the choice I'd love to have been born in a bigger city and I would gladly leave at least one of my sisters out of the equation and change my fathers mind about pets. I'd have at least two dogs, preferably pit bulls, and I'd have been a lot more better off career and mental-health wise.
Why am I saying that? Well, once again I feel trapped in this rock of an island, there seem to be no career opportunities here which most likely means I'd have to go away hell-knows-where to land a summer job and work my ass off non stop everyday for 6 to 7 months with no days offs and a shitty, nightmarish, bitch of a roommate again because I can never land a good one. Doesn't sound that good now, does it?
To make it all sound a little worse, the latest chapter in my life contains a complete luck of inspiration for the book I've been writing the past 3 years, a lot of anger and stress building up due to my current luck of employment (till the summer season begins at least), alcohol becoming my coping tools/mechanism, things being left always unfinished because I constantly feel like shit and to top all that, my mother's convinced I hate her just because she doesn't get the hint that I'm stressed, I feel like shit and I can't deal with being asked stupid things like "Did you wake up?" type of questions when I'm clearly standing wide awake in front of her for fuck's sake. In the meantime, when my sister is using the exact same sarcastic tone I use to answer such questions it's funny. It's only a problem when the words come out of my mouth!
And here's another thing, everything my bitch of a sister does is always considered awesome whereas I am the crazy one, the one who's short of a marble, the psycho, the one with anger issues. Well, imagine being 10, returning home after a 20 day stay at the hospital only to find out that this 8-year-old bitch of an idiot requires everyone's undivided attention now because she had to stay with our aunt and uncle while I was hospitalized in Athens. Newsflash! Our youngest sister had to stay with them too, she was only 4 at the time and had no problem, she was actually the mature one out of the duo! Continuing on about the bitch of a sister, she had the nerve to threaten me at school that she'd tell everyone why I had been hospitalized, nothing too bad but for some reason our parents had made it seem like the fact that I was diabetic and required regular insulin injections was equivalently bad with being a drug addict! Because what would the neighbors think! Medieval mentality at it's finest, one of the perks of living in a small town... Following up with this bullshit, the bitch started to take piano lessons, that made everyone see her as someone of great importance, at first i was happy she found a hobby, first and foremost she stopped picking on me, little did I know that from that moment on it was a crime for me to even think of trying to listen to one of my favorite CDs, the moment I put the disc in the player she popped up and screamed that it was time for her to practice the piano, after a few years of this shit going on, our youngest sister, who had also lost every right to listen to music of her choice because the queen had ruled that only her piano noise was allowed in the house, decided to take up guitar lessons. Good for her! Bad for me. Less time being subjected to piano torture, no chance to listen to prerecorded music, as soon as the piano stopped, the guitar took its place in noise-making. Enough is enough though, right? Right. So, I mention it to our parents that I want a chance to listen to music without needing to jam the headphones into my skull or listening to quality music with the wretched piano sounding as loud as it gets! Of course they came up with what they thought was the perfect solution "Why don't you also learn to play an instrument?" Yeah, right. They already new it's impossible for me to learn/read notes even if my life depended on it. But it was the bitch-centric solution as after our youngest sister took up playing the guitar she immediately forgot she was making her life hell as well.
That's the biggest example of why I can't stand the sight of her, her existence annoys the Hell out of me and I wouldn't give a rat's ass if she disappeared from my life... I vaguely remember a time I was happy... I was 2 years old and an only child. That and the 2 years I spent studying away from home. The moment I returned to this freaking island all the dark feelings that had built up to the point I almost sliced my wrists open in high school started to come back. It seems like I'm cursed to be stuck here forever to be misunderstood for every word I say simply because I am me. Maybe that bitter thought that's been stuck in my head ever since I was in preschool that I won't live to be 36 is not just a thought but a premonition, who knows, I still have 10 years for that but deep down inside I fell this is true...
Maybe one day someone will read this and understand, if they knew me, why I've built that wall around me, why I refuse to let anyone in, why my thoughts can be dark and twisted, why I am always angry, disappointed, ready to fight even when it's wiser to turn around and exit. Who knows, but, in case anyone stumbles on this blog and reads it, drop a line bellow, I always write things to be read, even if they are just rants so, yeah, let's talk it out, I need to see a reaction from someone I don't know, it's easier this way.
By the way...

Hello stranger! Welcome to my blog.